I face the new year with nothing but myself. I have no high hopes or great expectations. I am not encumbered with resolutions or regret. 2k18 taught me to honor my humanity, respect my frailty and recognize my fragility.
I don’t long for some great experience or great movement to shake the heavens for blessings to fall. I face each day quietly. It is only a day after all. Anything can happen. No longer running on fumes, I am conscious of walking – first the lift, then the heel strikes followed by that meaty part of my foot before the toes engage to push me off again.
I don’t want anyone else’s life. I can’t afford to compare. I can’t dwell on regrets or past hurts. I have no time for pettiness or ill will. It’s been all flushed out. Frankly, I don’t have the energy to interact with such things and those people for whom drama is their middle name.
It is a quietness that I have embraced. The quiet of the day-by-day. If I find happiness today, then so be it. If sorrows haunt my thoughts, I will not self-flagellate. I have long battled. Even this year I fought against accepting that I could not force myself to be more than I was. The fatigue. The sorrows. The pain. The frustration. I could not fight them. I laid down my weapons.
I stopped. I surrendered. Told God He had to be God. I wasn’t trying anymore.
It’s better this way. I’m not fighting to keep the mask. I’m not struggling to make myself happy. My honesty with myself is my gift to myself.
It’s New Year’s Eve.
And I’m still breathing.
Inside Out 