I realize that somewhere along the line, I lost sight of my essence. For many reasons the essence of who I was, was never allowed to express itself in all of its uniqueness. I was forced to create a duller, more acceptable version of myself although the real me often shown through the cracks. I’ve been so scared of the real me because it is so very different – so ALIVE, so INTENSE.
Now, as I return to and explore the me I was meant to be, I sometimes find myself second-guessing myself; worried that I will be “too much” – my excitement for life, my exuberance for existing, my pleasure in creativity, even the timbre of my voice has been attacked for its power and strength. I worry that I will be “too much” for those whom I truly admire and love.
Part of me is angered for having to confine myself to societal norms. Part of me is saddened that I am even in this situation (questioning who God created me to be). Part of me just wants to live and be and breath – in all the wonder that is in me. I realize that part of my chronic fatigue is secondary to a life-long repression (by myself and by the struggles and sorrows of this world) of the radiant joy that resides in me. So here I am.
Finally beginning to understand that the nagging sensation that “this isn’t how life is supposed to be” – dry, depressing, dark, damaging – isn’t weird or wrong. It’s the truth that I’ve known all along. I don’t want to subdue myself anymore. My whole being is tired of being less than…. I need us to live. Live abundantly. Live and experience all that life has to offer – in a transparent, kind, caring and profound way. A way that honors this gift that we call life and God – the Giver of that Life.
And even if the world is not ready for me, even if YOU aren’t ready for me, well, I’m gonna learn to be okay with that. Because somewhere out there is someone who needs what I’m about to birth in order not to die.
What has existed must not limit what shall exist!
Inside Out 