It is an unfortunate reality that when we enter committed, long-term relationships such as marriage, we bring with us coping and defense mechanisms that we used in our previous couplings; insecurities, assumptions and fears. Add to this the stories we build in our minds with the bricks of what our spouses told us about their lives, childhoods, past relationships and expectations during our courtship and we have a volatile mix that can threaten to destroy and sometimes lead to the dissolution of the union.

What’s sad is that we aren’t often aware of the mechanisms we bring into the relationship. Many of them grow out of painful situations we have endured. So we end up slightly suspicious, closed off, pulling away, grandstanding, manipulative, threatening, using silence and accusation or worse yet actively searching for signs of whatever caused the last relationship to fall apart as a way to protect ourselves from more hurt. Rather than go into the marriage with a clearness of mind, we come clouded with the failures and pains of the past.

Don’t forget that outside of romantic relationships, we have our own insecurities about our value, worth, mental and emotional health, financial skills, career choices and so many others. We struggle with believing that our spouses love us just for us, not for what they can “get” from us. We wonder if we have to act a certain way to be loved? Can we provide financially, emotionally, physically and sexually for our partners? How much of our true selves can we safely believe they can accept and love? Can we be “there” for them in ways that are healthy for both of us or do we have to be subsumed by the marriage or the other person? Are we GOOD ENOUGH?

Lastly, during the courtship or dating period, we share our personal histories with one another without realizing how that knowledge is being interpreted. We build these elaborate stories in our heads that then direct how we interact with that person. If our spouse was more sexually experienced than us, we may become self-conscious about our sexual prowess, causing us to be withdrawn or worried about whether or not s/he will go somewhere else instead of being open and free to enjoy each other. Or maybe you’re stressed out and struggling to figure out how to build the “best home” because he said that his mother was a perfect home-maker and career woman!

What is so difficult is that it isn’t obvious to us that we are bringing or doing these things. Even when we’re arguing or fighting, we don’t recognize that we’re acting out of and based upon all of these factors!

As annoying or anxiety provoking as it may be, we have to first recognize that these things exist within us and are being acted out in us and in our reactions to our spouses. Then we have to be willing to not only talk – a million times – about the same things but more importantly sit with ourselves and ask ourselves the never-ending why.

Why am I upset because he said x or y? What does it mean to me when he says that? Does it remind me of something from my past? Am I reacting to what she did or to my interpretation of what she did? For example, if your wife consistently comes home from work and doesn’t seem very engaging, you may become unduly upset. What you don’t realize is that growing up, your mother used silence as a punishing tool in the family so unconsciously you have learned that silence is a sign of conflict. You as her husband, are now interpreting her behavior as a way of punishing you which makes you feel insecure, upset, frustrated, angry and resentful because you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

This is a three-tiered layering. The first tier is the action – in this case, your wife comes home and is quiet. The second tier is your interpretation – that she is upset with you. The third tier is your emotional response – anger, bitterness, resentment. Because of your childhood, you’ve never seen silence as reflective of anything other than punishment; but what if you stopped to ask your wife? You may discover that the commute home is always tiring and she just needs about half an hour to sit, shower, rest so she can regain her energy – in short this is about her energy levels and has absolutely NOTHING to do with the story you’ve been telling yourself.

We also need to take time to ask our spouses about their reasoning for what they do and be open to following what s/he says to get at the deeper meaning. Sometimes, a spouse will make a remark about something you said at the beginning of the relationship or during courtship that you can then pull out and ask how s/he interpreted that statement and how it has affected her/his behavior or thoughts about you. This is not a one-time conversation. The conversations may need to be had multiple times and in many ways but if you’re both committed to honoring the other above yourself, you’ll find that the process will lead to a more open, caring, understanding, joyful and peaceful relationship.

What do YOU think?