Category: relationships

4th Grade Take-Aways

In the late fall of my fourth grade year, my parents decided to switch me from the elementary school that I was attending. This announcement was made matter of factly, without fanfare. I was informed that this was being done for my own good since my current elementary school wasn’t “as good”. I was to simply accept this decree without questions or comments. I nodded silently, containing my devastation and fear.

My previous elementary school, Cranbrook, only went up to 3rd grade and all my friends and I had been transferred to Weinland Park to finish our 4th and 5th grade years. I was happy. I had gone through my right of passage into this new school and all was well with the world but now? Now I was leaving the comfortable bosom of Weinland Park to attend an unknown school – and not even at the beginning of the school year but months into it!

All I could do was tell my friends who sadly accepted the news with that sense of childlike seriousness that breaks hearts. We knew that there was no way we would ever meet again. I had no idea what this new school would be like – would I fit in? Would I find friends? Would I be okay? What would happen to me? WOULD I BE OKAY? What was expected?

The day arrived. I adorned myself in my nicest dress and sat in my father’s car, heart pounding. My father said nothing to me the entire ride. He pulled up to the front of Oakland Park Traditional Elementary School with its imposing brick facade and informed me unceremoniously that I needed to get out of the car because dropping me off had made him late for work. With my heart thumping loudly in my ears, I dutifully opened the door and walked into this new school alone. My father took off like a flash, no wave, no goodbye, no blessing.

No one was holding my hand. No one was speaking soothingly to me. No one was explaining how things would work. No one was guiding me.

I was alone. I was afraid.

I stopped in the hallway and looked around. I don’t know how long I stood there, staring about me but it was a while before an adult noticed a small, brown girl standing there, forlorn and asked me who I was.

I learned an important lesson that day –

Not only was I not a priority in my father’s life, I was a liability.

The year moved along as it is wont to do. I was shy. During recess, I stood next to the teacher, talking to her, never playing with anyone. One time I mentioned the movie “Splash” to her and my parents were informed that I should not be allowed to watch such adult movies. I later received a verbal tongue-lashing from my parents about keeping my mouth shut. They just insulted me. I was stunned because it never dawned on me that talking about a movie was a bad thing. I shrank into myself.

No one asked me what happened. No one explained about movies. No one tried to understand.

I was silenced. I was invisible.

I learned an important lesson that night –

Not only was I insensible, I was bringing shame to the family.

Later on that year, I was infected my ringworm. Ringworm is a fairly common fungal infection that is found in schools and easily treated with anti-fungal cream. My teacher noticed it and I was sent home with a note that I could not return to school until I was treated. My mother yelled at me swearing up and down that I was a dirty child who couldn’t take care of herself. I had no idea what ringworm was or how I had caught it but it didn’t matter. I was guilty. My mother yelled at me and my father stayed silent – as he was wont to do.

A day later, I accompanied my mother on the bus to a doctor’s office to be seen. She berated me the whole way there and back, informing me that I had cost her a full day of work. I used the cream and was able to return back to school but my mother continued to lambast me as a dirty, useless child.

No one explained what ringworm was. No one soothed my fears about what it would do to me. No one comforted me that it would be okay.

I was shamed. I was isolated.

I learned an important lesson those 3 days –

Not only was I incompetent and tainted, I was a burden to my family.

I was alone. Isolated. Afraid. And that is how I have spent the majority of my psychological life. Alone. Isolated. Afraid. Convinced if I could only prove myself, somehow, someway, someone would come along and love me for me and only me. Someone wouldn’t expect me to know it all, see it all, plan it all, do it all. Someone who would comfort, encourage, respect, support and love me JUST BECAUSE of me.

These lessons formed the foundation of my childhood – a foundation that taught me that I am

valueless,

unlovable,

a burden,

unwanted and

not a priority but a liability.

A foundation that was cemented by many more similar incidents that I endured at their hands. A foundation that scarred my soul.

A foundation that I must now work tirelessly to destroy so that it doesn’t destroy me.

Thanks Mommy. Thanks Daddy.

A Little Bit About A Lot…of Baggage

It is an unfortunate reality that when we enter committed, long-term relationships such as marriage, we bring with us coping and defense mechanisms that we used in our previous couplings; insecurities, assumptions and fears. Add to this the stories we build in our minds with the bricks of what our spouses told us about their lives, childhoods, past relationships and expectations during our courtship and we have a volatile mix that can threaten to destroy and sometimes lead to the dissolution of the union.

Couple having argument on the couch at home in the living room

What’s sad is that we aren’t often aware of the mechanisms we bring into the relationship. Many of them grow out of painful situations we have endured. So we end up slightly suspicious, closed off, pulling away, grandstanding, manipulative, threatening, using silence and accusation or worse yet actively searching for signs of whatever caused the last relationship to fall apart as a way to protect ourselves from more hurt. Rather than go into the marriage with a clearness of mind, we come clouded with the failures and pains of the past.

27-114158-how_to_deal_with_feeling_insecure_in_your_relationshipDon’t forget that outside of romantic relationships, we have our own insecurities about our value, worth, mental and emotional health, financial skills, career choices and so many others. We struggle with believing that our spouses love us just for us, not for what they can “get” from us. We wonder if we have to act a certain way to be loved? Can we provide financially, emotionally, physically and sexually for our partners? How much of our true selves can we safely believe they can accept and love? Can we be “there” for them in ways that are healthy for both of us or do we have to be subsumed by the marriage or the other person? Are we GOOD ENOUGH?

Lastly, during the courtship or dating period, we share our personal histories with one another without realizing how that knowledge is being interpreted. We build these elaborate stories in our heads that then direct how we interact with that person. If our spouse was more sexually experienced than us, we may become self-conscious about our sexual prowess, causing us to be withdrawn or worried about whether or not s/he will go somewhere else instead of being open and free to enjoy each other. Or maybe you’re stressed out and struggling to figure out how to build the “best home” because he said that his mother was a perfect home-maker and career woman! work-family-juggle

What is so difficult is that it isn’t obvious to us that we are bringing or doing these things. Even when we’re arguing or fighting, we don’t recognize that we’re acting out of and based upon all of these factors!

As annoying or anxiety provoking as it may be, we have to first recognize that these things exist within us and are being acted out in us and in our reactions to our spouses. Then we have to be willing to not only talk – a million times – about the same things but more importantly sit with ourselves and ask ourselves the never-ending why.

Why am I upset because he said x or y? What does it mean to me when he says that? Does it remind me of something from my past? Am I reacting to what she did or to my interpretation of what she did? For example, if your wife consistently comes home from work and doesn’t seem very engaging, you may become unduly upset. What you don’t realize is that growing up, your mother used silence as a punishing tool in the family so unconsciously you have learned that silence is a sign of conflict. You as her husband, are now interpreting her behavior as a way of punishing you which makes you feel insecure, upset, frustrated, angry and resentful because you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

1wtDOrRjW6vWa_I4xRfdchgThis is a three-tiered layering. The first tier is the action – in this case, your wife comes home and is quiet. The second tier is your interpretation – that she is upset with you. The third tier is your emotional response – anger, bitterness, resentment. Because of your childhood, you’ve never seen silence as reflective of anything other than punishment; but what if you stopped to ask your wife? You may discover that the commute home is always tiring and she just needs about half an hour to sit, shower, rest so she can regain her energy – in short this is about her energy levels and has absolutely NOTHING to do with the story you’ve been telling yourself.

We also need to take time to ask our spouses about their reasoning for what they do and be open to following what s/he says to get at the deeper meaning. Sometimes, a spouse will make a remark about something you said at the beginning of the relationship or during courtship that you can then pull out and ask how s/he interpreted that statement and how it has affected her/his behavior or thoughts about you. This is not a one-time conversation. The conversations may need to be had multiple times and in many ways but if you’re both committed to honoring the other above yourself, you’ll find that the process will lead to a more open, caring, understanding, joyful and peaceful relationship.

What do YOU think?